Free Articles

Welcome to Jonathan’s “Free Articles” section. In this area, you’ll be able to read 9 brief articles Jonathan has written to help you overcome common challenges. The articles are on the following topics:

If you’d like to read any of these articles, simple click on the title and you’ll be taken to that specific article.

The Best of Time Management

If you want to build a house, having an electric saw is infinitely better than using a hand held saw. Some tools are simply much more effective than others. When trying to make efficient use of your time, there are proven “power tools” that have been shown to make a major difference in how much a person can get done. After surveying various books on time management, and trying various methods in my own life, I realized that five specific tools are the most effective in being able to accomplish more in less time. Although you may be familiar with some or all of these methods, familiarity isn’t enough. You need to be as committed to them as you are to brushing your teeth each day. Since we live in the busiest culture in the history of humanity, knowing how to get control of one’s time is no longer a “nice idea.” It’s a necessity. These tools will help you survive, psychologically and financially, in this crazy time we live in.

1. Prioritize! Studies show that, for every minute spent prioritizing, five minutes are saved. That means you’re getting a 500% return on your time investment. Not bad. You probably know of various ways to prioritize your day. Listing all the things you might do on a given day and then ranking them in their order of importance can be helpful. The most important aspect of prioritizing your day is doing it each and every day. Many people who know of the benefits of prioritization still fail to do it. If you’re one of these people, then learn to reward yourself immediately after you prioritize your day. In my case, I eat breakfast immediately following making my daily “to do” list and ranking the order of which I’ll do things. Since I love eating breakfast, the list always gets done.
2. Delegate. How do you think CEO’s and presidents are able to give speeches around the country, make hundreds of decisions, keep up on their phone calls and mail, and still have time to play so much golf? They delegate. They make a distinction between things that only they can do, and things that other people can do. They don’t write their own speeches, they don’t read their own mail, they barely play their own golf. The sad truth is that you can not be extremely successful unless you learn to delegate effectively—because there is only so much one person can do. Delegating can be scary. High achievers are used to being in control, and delegating is a process of giving up control. However, as you practice delegating, you come to realize that there are some people you can trust to get a job done, and some you can’t. Therefore, like any skill, it gets easier over time since you soon learn who you can count on.
3. Learn to say no. This has always been difficult for me. In an attempt to be a nice guy, I have always tried to be all things for all people. After years of doing this, I’m finally seeing the necessity of telling people, “I understand your need, but I’m sorry—I just don’t have the available time to help you.” I’ve memorized that sentence and try to say it whenever someone approaches me for a favor that I don’t feel passionate about, or would require more than just a minute of my time. If you have a difficult time doing this, your life will soon become crazy. I now have a note card by my phone that says the word “NO!” in big letters. Several times a day people call me up and ask for my time—free of charge. Whereas I used to say “Yes” to almost all of them, now I say “No” to about 80% of them. It’s amazing how much more time this one simple technique has given me to do what I consider most important.
4. Learn to ask the simple question, “Considering my long term goals and objective, what’s the best use of my time right now?” Just asking this question throughout the day will help focus your mind in beneficial ways. Normally, we are subconsciously asking ourselves a different question, such as some variation on “What do I have to do next?” That question can lead people to focus on short term, inconsequential items, rather than on more important, long-term goals. As you think in a broader sense about the best use of your time, you may see things that were invisible to you before. In addition, you may start to avoid certain time wasters, such as unnecessary meetings, phone calls, and paper work.
5. Learn the 80/20 rule. Basically, this rule states that 20% of your time creates 80% of what you accomplish. The challenge is to always focus on the key behaviors that are the best use of your time. The 80/20 rule also applies to the people you deal with. In this context it could be said that 20% of your customers will account for 80% of your business. Once again, the challenge is to isolate the 20% who are the most productive to work with, and focus on them. As you begin to look at your customers, your time, and your daily activities through the concept of the 80/20 rule, you’ll start to see that some things are better left undone as you focus on the people and activities that create results.

In applying the 80/20 rule in my own life, I recently discovered that I was spending a lot of time preparing for and teaching a class at the local city college—which netted very little money. On the other hand, I used to spend very little time marketing myself to various organizations as a professional speaker. Despite spending just a couple of hours a week marketing myself in this way, I discovered that about a third of my income came from such talks during the previous year. Therefore, this year I have begun to devote more time to marketing myself as a speaker. So far, this better “investment” in my time is paying off very well.

Which of these tools are you failing to make use of on a consistent basis? Make a commitment to yourself to practice the ones that you have been hesitant to use. While practicing new habits can be difficult at first, you’ll soon notice that you seem to magically have more time.

Lose Weight Permanently

The verdict is in—diets don’t work. If they did, 1/3rd of all Americans wouldn’t be obese. In one major study, people who dieted ended up gaining an average of three pounds over the long term every time they went on a diet. So if diets don’t work, what does? It seems like every year there are many hot new theories of how to lose unwanted pounds. Some of these theories even work if you meticulously follow the program. Therein lies the rub. Not many people have the inclination to know exactly how many grams of protein versus carbohydrates to have at each meal. However, instead of counting grams, calories, or taking diet pills, there are three fundamentals that everyone agrees is helpful in order to lose weight. By providing you with a method for staying consistent with the fundamentals, you can slowly, but surely lose the weight you desire.

There is no getting around the three fundamentals. You can’t cheat your body—it knows what you’re doing to it. The three are: consistent exercise, eating less foods with high fat or calories, and eating more foods that are good for you, such as fruits and vegetables. Most people know this, they just can’t get themselves to do it consistently. Unfortunately, when it comes to losing weight, what really matters is what you do consistently. Starving yourself one week, or exercising two hours a day for a few days will do you little good if you can’t faithfully practice the fundamentals. That’s why what’s needed is a plan and motivational method to make sure you regularly carry out the three central tenets of effective weight management. Fortunately, I’ve found that there is a simple, yet effective way to get yourself to do the behaviors you know are good for you. I call it the Accountability Contract, or AC for short.

There are two simple theories that underlie why the AC works so well. First, people tend to do things to avoid immediate pain and/or gain immediate pleasure. This makes losing weight difficult since eating fatty or high calorie foods is immediately pleasurable, whereas exercise and cottage cheese are not. The second theory is that people will do a lot to avoid the embarrassment of breaking clearly stated promises to another human being. The Accountability Contract makes use of these two psychological principles to help people stay consistent with eating right and exercising regularly. In the AC, you make a contract with someone you know to exercise a certain amount each week, and eat certain foods and not others. Then, once a week, you go over your contract with your accountability partner and see how you did. That’s it!

While the general concept behind the AC is simple, there are subtleties to it you need to know to increase its effectiveness. For example, when writing a contract, it’s important to be realistic about what you can do. If you didn’t exercise last week at all, but put down you’ll exercise an hour a day this week, you’ll likely fail. Instead, start slowly and build on your successes. For example, you might begin with a contract like the following:

I, Jonathan, agree to do the following for the week of February 12th to 19th:

1. Exercise (brisk walking) three times this week, for a minimum of twenty minutes each time.
2. Avoid eating anything after 8:00 p.m.
3. Eat at least one piece of fruit per day, and one vegetable.
4. Avoid eating any potato chips, and donuts, and limit cookie intake to one per day.
For each violation of the above contract, I agree to rip up $2.00

Signed, Jonathan Robinson

As you can see, in the above contract, I agree to rip up $2 if I fail to keep any of my commitments. My experience with hundreds of people has shown that the desire to avoid ripping up $2 greatly helps motivate people to fulfill their contract. Since ripping up money is very painful, and we all want to avoid pain, you’ll find yourself doing things that you were previously too lazy to do. In addition, knowing that you’re accountable to a friend, co-worker, or mate will help you to take this contract seriously. I suggest giving your accountability partner a copy of your contract, and he or she giving you a copy of their contract. You can fax a copy to each other, and then at the agreed upon time each week, call each other and see how it went. Here’s how such an accountability session might go:

An “accountability session” like this only takes two minutes, but is amazingly effective. If ripping up $2 for missed agreements is too intense for you, you can try ripping up $1 for each contract violation. It’s my experience in working with several hundred people that the AC clearly does not work as well when people are unwilling to rip up money when they break their promises. On average, it takes about $6 of ripped up money to lose ten pounds, and only $10 to lose twenty pounds! The fear of ripping up money, combined with weekly accountability sessions, is incredibly motivating.

Who is best to choose for an accountability partner? Basically, anyone who would be willing to talk to you each week about your contract. It is not necessary that they write their own contract, but it does make it more balanced if they’re doing the process along with you. You can have a friend or mate read this chapter to see if they might want to do this process with you. (See also chapters 9, 12, 14, & 17 for more information on helpful ideas to lose weight). If you find you always complete every item on your contract, begin to write more difficult contracts. If, on the other hand, you often have to rip up money, consider writing easier contracts until you are better at keeping your agreements.

Besides losing weight and becoming more healthy, the AC method will help restore your power to give and keep your word. In addition, having a buddy who you check in with each week makes this process fun, and often leads to deeper friendships. So what are you waiting for? Write your first contract and give it to someone who will hold you accountable. Put it in a place you’ll see it each day. Each week you can rewrite your contract to include different items, or redo the one of the previous week—it’s your choice. Soon, you’ll be looking and feeling better than you have in years.

Generate Additional Income

Whether you’re looking for a new job that’s more profitable and meaningful, or simply want to make additional income at your current job, tapping into your creative potential is a great place to start. Most people think they need to get more degrees or training to make additional income. Nonsense! Perhaps that used to be true, but nowadays, innovation, persistence, problem solving, and marketing ability are often more important than technical training. The good news is that you already possess the resources to tap into each of these four keys for increasing your income. The bad news is that most people don’t know how to easily access the resources that lie within them. I have found that asking certain questions can dramatically help people tap into their latent money-making abilities. Once you know these questions--and how to use them properly--you’ll find it’s easier than ever to create additional income.

Many years ago, I was living in a 1967 Dodge van and making about $4000 a year at odd jobs. One day, I finally reached the point where I was sick and tired of not having any money. To break out of my self imposed monetary prison, I asked myself a key question: “If my life depended on making a lot more money, what would I do?” Once I got quiet inside and listened to the “still, small voice” within, the answers became obvious. To begin with, I would stop complaining and I’d start learning more about the keys to making money. Therefore, I went to the library and read up on the subject. Next, if my life depended upon having more money, I would overcome my doubts about myself and get a better job or begin my own business. Various other answers came to me, and I began acting on them. Soon, I was doing things which I had never considered before—simply because I was now asking a different question. Within a year, I had made over $40,000.

The issue of money brings up a lot of fear and anxiety for people. When we feel fear, we often lose touch with our ability to solve problems effectively. Therefore, I have found it helpful to ask myself another simple question whenever I feel overwhelmed by a work project or financial situation. The question is, “How can I break this problem down into a bunch of smaller steps?” Soon after moving out of my Dodge van, I decided to do a video on how to have a successful intimate relationship. The problem was I knew nothing about videos, marketing, raising money, or running a business. My girlfriend at the time even chipped in that I knew nothing about having an intimate relationship! There were surely many problems to overcome, and at first I felt overwhelmed. Yet, I asked myself, “How can I break this problem down into a bunch of smaller steps?” I soon listed over 70 different small steps I could take towards the completion of the video. As I did each little step, I began to feel confident. To make a long story short, the video became a huge success and launched my career as an author.

To succeed in today’s business climate, constant innovation is needed. If you can help your company innovate one of their products or services, you will quickly rise to the top of your field. If you own your own business, your ability to create new, better ways of doing things to serve your customers is your key to prosperity. Yet, you may think that thinking in creative ways is beyond your reach. Not true. Creativity and innovation are within your reach if you consistently ask the right question for a long enough period of time. Here’s my favorite question to help with this process: “What’s a creative new way this job (or service) could potentially be done?” That’s it. Asking this question with enough desire and sincerity, along with coming up with a list of several answers, will yield profitable results.

A couple of years ago, I realized that my friends and I rarely had time to read anymore. Since I make a large part of my living by writing books, this realization was a bit depressing. Fortunately, when one door begins to close, it’s possible to tune into another one opening—if you know the right question to ask. Therefore, I asked, “What’s a creative new way I might write a book that wouldn’t take so long to read?” The answer to that question is in your hands right now. I surmised that if I could write books with very brief chapters filled with immediately useful information, people would be able to find the time to read. Of course, this idea only came after I had come up with several other (bad) answers to that same question. When attempting to find new, better ways to handle a situation, coming up with several answers is important. Often, it’s only after going through a bunch of poor ideas that gold is struck.

Finally, in order to succeed in business, the ability to market yourself, your product, or your service is key. People are bombarded with so many advertisements nowadays that only the most ingenious marketing strategies are likely to be successful. To help you tap into such ideas, try asking yourself the question, “What would be a new, creative way to convince people of the value of my product or service?” Once again, coming up with a full list of answers is better than just coming up with one or two ideas. Even if your first ideas are truly ridiculous, write them down. Sometimes a very bad idea will later be the springboard that triggers a really valuable idea later on.

A couple of years ago, I decided I wanted to do more professional speaking. Although people tell me that speaking is what I do best, it’s a very competitive field, and I knew I would have to try some creative marketing ideas. When I asked myself, “What would be a creative way to convince people they should hire me to speak to their company?,” I came up with ten suggestions. One of my ideas was to tell them that my regular speaking fee would be reduced by 33% if I did not receive a standing ovation at the end of the talk. Since I almost always get a standing ovation at the end of my talks, this bold proposal I made to them required nothing new from me. However, it was quite an eye catcher to the people who read about me and were looking for a speaker. Based on just this one answer to the question I asked, I have already made tens of thousands of extra dollars. Asking the right question can be a richly rewarding use of your time. Whenever you feel stuck in your money-making endeavors, or feel like you’re ready to proceed to the next level of prosperity, try asking yourself the four questions below:

1. If my life depended on making a lot more money, what would I do?
2. How can I break this problem down into a bunch of smaller steps?
3. What is a creative, new way this product or service could potentially be done?
4. What would be a creative, new way to convince people of the value of my product or service?

Although asking these questions is deceptively simple to do, the answers you receive, coupled with consistent action, can lead to a whole new level of results and prosperity.

Easily Achieve Your Goals

Recently, I was listening to a CD series that detailed the lives of dozens of great men and women throughout history. Although the times they each lived in and challenges they faced were different, one theme kept standing out in the stories of their lives: almost all of them had set specific goals for themselves. From Benjamin Franklin to Mother Teresa, creating clear and meaningful goals stood out as the one ingredient that most people who succeed in life have in common.

Since goal setting is so powerful, why doesn’t everyone do it? Because we’re lazy and we haven’t been told how to do it in an easy and effective manner. Even people who write down their goals often do things that interfere with getting the results they desire. As a seminar leader that teaches goal setting, I’ve noticed that people tend to make the same twelve errors when pursuing their dreams. To help you avoid these common pitfalls, I have listed each of them, along with a brief explanation as to how to make sure you don’t fall into the same trap:

1. Forgetting to write down your goals, and/or not having a clear criteria for their success—including when you would like your goal (or part of the goal) completed by. To avoid this problem, get out a piece of paper as soon as you’re done reading this and simply fill in the sentence "A goal I’d like to achieve is……….., and I’d like to achieve it by (provide a specific date).
2. Setting goals that are unrealistic in order to make up for all the time you may have wasted in the past. Unrealistic goals lead to discouragement when they are not met, and this could result in giving up completely. Instead, make sure you feel you can achieve this goal. Even be willing to set a goal that might be overly easy to achieve. You can always build on your successes.
3. Setting too many goals at once in order to make up for being behind, which could lead to discouragement or a lack of focus. Rather than set a lot of goals, why not simply try one or two. If you start making consistent progress towards these, then you can think about making other goals.
4. Failure to ask other people or experts for help in how best to achieve your goal, or using an inefficient or unusable method to manifest what you want. If you’re facing East looking for a sunset, you’re going to have problems. When people don’t ask experts for a good approach to achieve a goal, they often come up with ideas that don’t work effectively. Avoid this pitfall by seeking the advice of experts, whether it be from books, or from people you know.
5. Failure to break each goal into small, easily doable steps. When you forget to do this, there is a tendency to become overwhelmed by the size of the task—and eventually give up. To avoid this error, simply brainstorm a list of every small or big task that might be helpful to achieve your goal. Then, take the big tasks and break them into smaller, bite-sized activities.
6. Not having your step-by-step plan written down and in daily sight. Once you have a list of tasks to do, come up with a logical order in which to do them, and put them on a single sheet of paper. This will help you feel organized and will visually remind you of what to do next.
7. Not anticipating obstacles, or not being committed enough to overcome them. Obstacles will happen—you can count on it. In fact, writing down the obstacles you anticipate, along with how you plan to get around them when they occur can help you overcome them.
8. Forgetting to put the next step towards the completion of your goal into your calendar or “to do” list. Whenever you complete one of the steps on your goal sheet, it’s time to schedule the next task into your daily planner. Even if you can only spend an hour a week, you don’t want to lose momentum towards achieving your goal. By writing it down into your “to do” list, you can feel confident that it’ll get done.
9. Becoming too impatient to do just a little bit each week towards the completion of your goal, thereby becoming inconsistent in your actions. Manifesting your dreams takes time. Yet, more importantly, it takes consistency. If you’re willing to take small steps over a long period of time, you’ll be amazed at what you can create. If you try to do too much too quickly, you’ll likely just burn out and then give up.
10. Failing to create an effective system to stay motivated and consistent in your actions until your goal is achieved. In order to stay motivated over time, it helps to have someone who can inspire you and help hold you accountable (see Chapter 15 and 32 for more on this). By having a buddy who you can talk to on a weekly basis regarding your progress, you’ll find that you’ll be much more likely to stay consistent in your actions.
11. Lack of flexibility when something doesn’t work quite right, which can lead to giving up instead of making the appropriate adjustments to your plan. After working on your goals for awhile, you may find that your original plan doesn’t work. What then? If you’re flexible in your approach to solving problems, you’ll simply come up with a new plan.
12. Forgetting to celebrate your achievements, thereby never getting the sense of satisfaction and success that you deserve. Some people don’t even realize when they’ve achieved their goals. It’s hard to get motivated to achieve new goals if you’ve never fully celebrated your accomplishments in the past. Rewarding yourself for a job well done will help you to feel good, and it will also help you be motivated to achieve new goals.

Goal setting is an amazing technology, but like all technology, you need to know how to handle it properly. (For additional information on goals, see chapter 34). If you find that you have fallen in one of the twelve pitfalls, then take the appropriate action to pull yourself out as fast as possible. Achieving your goals is like being a shark: if you’re still for too long, the goal will die. Keep moving forward, building on the momentum of what you’ve already done. Before you know it, your dreams will be a reality.

Quickly Change How You Feel

Having written two books that consist mostly of questions (The Little Book Of Big Questions and Instant Insight), I have a lot I could say about this subject. Yet, in essence what I want to convey is that by asking yourself specific questions on a regular basis, you can dramatically change your life. Questions are a quick and powerful way to change your focus--and what you focus on grows. Our emotional state is largely determined by what we think about. If we subconsciously think throughout the day, “What else is wrong in my life?” then we’ll likely feel anxious a lot of the time. However, if we focus on the question, “What can I feel grateful for?” then it’s easy to feel a whole lot better.

Asking questions to change your focus is a time-tested technique. We already do it, and it has an immense impact on how we feel. Unfortunately, usually we use this method to make ourselves feel angry, depressed, or anxious. We think of things like, “What else do I have to do today?” or “Why is that person such a jerk?” Like a good computer, our brain attempts to answer whatever question we feed it. Out of the millions of things it could think about, our mind chooses just a few things to focus on. How does it know what to let into consciousness, and what to ignore? Our brain chooses what to perceive based on the subconscious (or conscious) questions we ask ourselves. If you ask a negative question, you’ll likely feel morose. If you ask a positive one, you’ll focus on different thoughts and likely end up feeling good.

Over many years of trial and error, I have found there are four specific questions that are effective in quickly changing how a person feels. They are:

1. What small successes have I had recently?
2. What could I feel grateful for?
3. Who do I love and/or who loves me?
4. What do I appreciate about myself?

Each of these questions can be like a flashlight that helps you see past your inner darkness to the “heaven within.” It only takes one or two minutes of focusing on any of these inquiries to change what you perceive and how you feel. To tune into the magic they offer, simply begin by taking a slow, deep breath, and then repeat the chosen question a couple of times. At first you’ll probably come up with intellectual answers that don’t seem very connected to your feelings. Yet, with practice you’ll learn to feel positive emotions that result from the answers you think of. For example, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, you may choose to ask yourself, “What small successes have I had recently?” As you think of several answers, you’ll notice your thoughts will begin to move in a different direction. By focusing and visualizing one or more successes, you can begin to tune into the feelings of confidence and achievement. In just a couple of minutes you can transform your experience and feel immensely better.

When answering any of the four inquiries, the important thing is to think of specific instances when you felt what the question is asking you about. They need not be big, dramatic examples—they only need to be times that were emotionally meaningful to you. For instance, when asking yourself, “What could I feel grateful for?” you could feel thankful for literally hundreds of things. You could feel gratitude for being healthy, for having food when much of the world goes hungry, for friends, or even for the use of your telephone. By focusing on how fortunate you are compared to many other people, you can learn to tune into the feeling of gratitude whenever you desire.\

The question, “Who do I love and who loves me?” can be a wonderful way to dive into your heart and experience the grace of love. By remembering a specific time you felt loved by someone, or a particular time you felt in love with someone, it’s possible to tune into the warmth within your heart. With practice, you can take “mini love breaks” throughout the day that open your heart with love in just a minute of meditation.

The final question, “What do I appreciate about myself?” can be a good antidote to feelings of self-dislike or unworthiness. The simple fact that you bought this book shows that you’re interested in bettering yourself. You probably have a lot of little things about yourself which are likeable. By thinking of some of them, you’ll feel better. For some people it’s hard to see what is good and loveable about themselves. If you have a hard time with this question, you might try asking yourself, “What good things would my friends say about me?” As you focus on what you (or others) see as your positive traits, you’ll feel more confident, loveable, and have genuine compassion for yourself.

The hardest thing about this technique is remembering to use it. Yet, if you give it a really good try, you’ll see that it can work wonders. Being able to quickly go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling confident, or feeling anxious to being grateful is one of the most important skills a person could learn.

To a large extent, your ability to act effectively in the world is based on how good you feel. As you gain more control over your thoughts and emotions by asking yourself these four questions, you’ll not only feel better—but you’ll also be better able to contribute to others.

Help Your Partner Feel Loved

I have a question for you: for $500 could you make your partner feel upset in under one minute? Most people answer an emphatic "Yes!" To accomplish this, you would probably bring up some event, person, or question that invariably irritates your partner. We even have a term for this--"pushing my buttons." When someone pushes our buttons, it is commonly accepted we have no choice but to get upset. Over time, our partner usually learns where all our "buttons" are.

While "pushing my buttons" signifies a way our partner can easily make us upset, we have no phrase for the opposite effect--when our mate does something that invariably makes us feel loving. We could call it "pushing my love buttons," but there's no poetry in a phrase like that. I prefer to call it "charming my heart." When someone "charms" us, it's as if they have cast a spell of enchantment over our heart. A wonderful way to experience more love in your relationship is to learn of "automatic" ways to charm your partner's heart. When your partner feels fully loved by you, guess how they'll treat you? Soon, you'll both be charming each other's heart in an upward spiral that leads all the way to heaven. Ahhh, how sweet it can be!

In my book Communication Miracles For Couples, I talk about how it's necessary to realize each person has different rules or laws as to what true love is. Case in point: many years ago I was with a girlfriend I'll call Bonnie. I was giving her a nice shoulder massage when she suddenly blurted out, "Would you cut that out!" Totally caught off guard, I said "Cut what out?" She annoyingly stated, "You're always massaging me, you're always touching me, why do you have to be so grabby?" It was true--I frequently massaged her. So I said to her, "I do that to show you how much I care about you." She quickly responded, "Well, I don't feel very loved. After all, you never tell me you love me." She was right again; I never actually said the words "I love you" to her, although she frequently said such things to me.

Bonnie and I had a long discussion about this episode and we finally realized what had been going on. While I was growing up, whenever I was being spanked or punished, my parents would say, "We're doing this because we love you." Therefore, the words "I love you" had a negative connotation to me. I figured, talk is cheap. The way to really show a woman you love her is to touch her in pleasant ways. That was my "rule" of how real love should be expressed. On the other hand, while Bonnie was growing up, she had an uncle who frequently gave her massages. One day, this uncle sexually molested her. Therefore, she took my massages as being a precursor of impending doom. We both thought we were expressing love to each other, when in fact we were unconsciously pushing each other's buttons!

The way we tend to express love to another person is, in most cases, the way in which we would like to receive it. I gave Bonnie massages because that's what makes me feel loved. Even if a gorilla gave me a massage, I'd feel totally loved. Bonnie frequently told me she loved me because that's what she wanted to hear. When people are unaware of their partner's preferred ways of feeling loved, they end up expending a lot of energy that goes unappreciated. Yet by knowing exactly what helps your partner feel safe and loved, it becomes infinitely easier to create intimacy on a consistent basis.

There is a simple exercise you can do with your partner to find out how best to "charm their heart." Have him or her become comfortable in a chair, and then say the following: "Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and begin to think of a specific time you felt really loved by me. Remember that time as clearly as you can. Remember where we were, what we were doing, and exactly what happened that let you know I really loved you." Give your partner a minute or so to fully re-experience such a moment. Then proceed, "What was most important in letting you know I fully loved you? Was it something I said, or the way I looked at you, the way I touched you, or something else? What exactly helped you to know that I really loved you?” Listen carefully to what your partner says, because the answer(s) to this question can transform your relationship.

By knowing how your own heart is charmed, you can reveal this important information to your partner. Try the previous exercise on yourself, or have your partner read it to you. You may be surprised to discover exactly what your partner does that creates a warm feeling of safety and love in you. Once your mate knows how to help you feel loved, they can more easily and consistently show you they care.

Every time you charm your partner's heart, you're making a "loving deposit" in to your “shared love account.” Your shared love account is like a bank balance you share together. When things are going well, there's a lot of love put into "savings." When both of you consistently make deposits into your shared account, you feel abundantly in love. It's much easier to handle problems when there's an abundance of love in your love account. Therefore, make frequent deposits of love in your relationship account by charming your partner's heart. Remember to do the little actions that make a big difference in how your partner feels. It will immediately help both of you feel wonderfully intimate, and when problems arise, you'll have plenty of love "banked" to help you ride out the storm.

Solve Problems With Anyone

Ron and Patty had only one big problem in their twenty-five year marriage. Unfortunately, because they never resolved how to handle the "chores" issue, they were constantly bickering. Despite twenty-five years of heated discussions, they hadn't made much progress. Like most couples with a thorny issue, they were still trying to decide whose problem it was, and the mere fact that they were still arguing about it made them even madder. At least once a week Ron and Patty would each present “evidence” to indicate that they were the one doing most of the work around the house. Secretly, they each hoped their partner would finally realize the errors of their ways, and apologize for their inconsiderateness. Of course, this never happened. There attempts to show who had been doing more work around the house was a pointless waste of time.

Many couples fall into the same trap as Ron and Patty because they never actually solve any of their problems. As a result they have to keep dealing with the same old issues--as well as all the new ones that inevitably arise. Before they realize it, couples can feel buried by an avalanche of problems. The way to sidestep this trap is to learn how to solve problems--once and for all, no matter what the issue is. Couples who can master this skill find they can create a lot more love and a lot less conflict in their relationships. Of course, the importance of solving interpersonal problems is not restricted to the arena of intimate relationships. This skill can also make a world of difference at work, with friends, and when dealing with one’s family.

To solve problems in your relationships with other people, first begin by stating your positive reason why you want to solve a specific issue. For example, in Ron and Patty’s case, something like the following could be said: “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about the issue we have about chores. I don’t want to make you wrong. I just want to work out something that would be agreeable to both of us. I’d really like to avoid arguments and instead spend more time feeling intimate with each other. Would you be willing to talk about it so we could finally resolve this issue?” When you tell people the ultimate positive reason why you want to solve a problem with them, they’ll tend to be receptive to listening to you.

After presenting your positive reason for talking to someone, don’t fall into the trap of presenting your “side” of the issue. Instead, begin by asking him or her The Amazing Problem Solving Question. The power of this question is that it gently directs people to think in ways that are helpful for solving the issue at hand. In addition, by asking the person you’re dealing with to solve the problem, it prevents the two of you from bickering, and establishes your sincerity in looking for a solution. The question is, “Considering my needs and desires with this issue, what do you propose might be a compromise that would work for both of us?”

There are three possibilities of what someone will do when asked this question. First, they may present a solution that you find agreeable. If they do, tell them how great of an idea it is, write the solution down on paper, and keep your end of the bargain. If he or she says they don’t have any ideas, or if their ideas are not acceptable to you, you can say, “Those are interesting suggestions you made. Would you be open to hearing some ideas I have that might work for both of us?” Since you let them go first, they’ll feel obliged now to listen to your suggestions. When proposing possible solutions, try to present at least a couple of specific ideas. That way, they’ll see that you’re not dead set on a specific solution, and it will create a better atmosphere for compromise.

If you or the person you’re talking with fall back into the blame game, ask the problem solving question again. Keep steering yourself back towards exploring solutions that are acceptable to both of you. You might ask him or her, “What is most important to you about (the issue at hand), or what most bothers you about (the problem)?” The more you understand each other, the more likely you’ll be able to come up with agreements that truly work.

Sometimes it can be difficult to resolve an issue simply because people are afraid to agree to something that may not work long term. To avoid this problem, you can both agree to a specific solution for a “trial period” to see if it truly is acceptable. For example, in the case of Ron and Patty, they each agreed to do certain specific chores around the house each week. If one person failed to do a particular chore, they had to pay their partner $10 for each job that was undone. They agreed to try this approach for a month, and then discuss if they wanted to make any changes. At the end of the month, they both felt happy with how it was going, so they made the agreement permanent.

Recently, I had a problem with a printer who was always late in getting jobs done for me. Rather than blame him and make him wrong, I told him, “Joe, I value our relationship, and I want to continue to do business with you. I want to talk about something that’s bothering me so we can clear it up and continue to work together. Is now a good time?” Joe was agreeable to talking. I briefly mentioned the issue of how my printing jobs weren’t being done on time. Then I asked him, “Considering my needs in this situation, what do you propose might be a good compromise that might work better for both of us?” When Joe said he didn’t know what he could do, I asked him if I could suggest a couple of ideas—and he agreed. Eventually, we negotiated that for every day my printing jobs were late, he’d deduct 10 percent off my bill. I was happy, and he was happy. Rather than end our relationship, in just a couple of minutes we worked things out to everyone’s satisfaction.

What problems repeatedly arise in your intimate relationship—or your relationships with certain people at work? I encourage you to tell each of these people the positive reason why you’d like to solve this difficulty, and then proceed to the problem solving question. If you listen to their ideas with sensitivity and respect, they’ll listen to you. Keep coming up with compromises until you find a solution you’d both be willing to try—at least for a week. Once you’ve tried something, you’ll have more information about what worked, and if it didn’t, how you might be able to change things so it will work the next time. The Amazing Problem Solving Question can be a lifesaver in your relationships with people, and it costs a lot less than seeing a marriage counselor, ending a friendship, or having to find a new job.

Be Filled with Gratitude

In the New Testament (Colossians 3:12), Paul instructs people that “… whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all…giving thanks to God the Father…” Hidden in these words is a truly remarkable way to feel closer to God during one’s daily activities. To make use of this method, it is not necessary that you be a Christian, although it is helpful to have some belief or relationship with God. In my book The Experience of God, I asked each of the forty well-known spiritual leaders I interviewed about their favorite method of feeling closer to their Creator. While the range of responses was surprising, the answer I heard more than any other was that of focusing on feeling grateful to God throughout the day. As Ram Dass put it, “Gratitude opens your heart, and opening your heart is a wonderful and easy way for God to slip in.”

In Western culture, we often think of prayer as asking God for something. Yet, in many spiritual traditions, prayer is primarily considered a way of thanking God for the blessings in one’s life. Many years ago, I received an important lesson about “thankfulness prayer” from a Native American medicine man named Bear. As a condition of being interviewed about his life, Bear requested we meet at a location sacred to his tribe. Once there, he suggested that both of us begin by offering up a prayer to the Great Spirit. My simple prayer was that our time together be well spent, and that it would serve our becoming closer to God. Bear began his prayer in his native tongue, as I listened patiently. After ten minutes of listening to the sounds of his tribal language, I began getting impatient. After thirty minutes of listening to his prayer, I was secretly irritated. While I grew restless, Bear looked like he was soaring as high as the eagles that flew overhead. Finally, after fifty minutes, Bear finished speaking his words of prayer.

Trying to hide my sense of irritation, I began my interview by asking Bear, “What did you pray for?” Bear’s calm reply was, “In my tribe, we don’t pray for anything. We give thanks for all that the Great Spirit has given us. In my prayers, I simply thanked Spirit for everything I can see around me. I gave thanks to each and every tree I can see from here, each rock, each squirrel, the sun, the clouds, my legs, my arms, each bird that flew by, each breath I took, until I was finally in full alignment with the Great Spirit.” It was clear to me that this man really knew how to pray.

From Bear’s inspiration and the wisdom of many others I’ve interviewed, I began trying this new method of prayer. To make this form of prayer practical in my daily life, I began by simply saying, “Thank you God for (whatever is in my awareness).” Sometimes I would “prime the pump” by first thanking God for things that are easy for me to feel grateful for. For example, I might say, “Thank you for my health. Thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for Helena (my partner).” Then, once I truly felt a sense of gratitude in my heart, I would use “thank you” as a “mantra” for whatever I was currently aware of. For instance, if I was driving somewhere I might say, “Thank you for my car, thank you for my tape player, thank you for this beautiful music, thank you for this nicely paved road, thank you for the man that just cut me off, thank you for the anger that he stirred up in me, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness.”

The secret of this technique is to see all things as gifts given to us by God to enjoy or learn from. Normally, we take virtually everything for granted, and rarely stop to appreciate the wonderful things we are given. It can be eye opening to realize that even middle class folks of today live better than Kings lived just 100 years ago. Yet, without the “thank you technique,” all the amenities of modern day life can go unappreciated. Once you have used this method for awhile, you can even use it to begin to value things that are unpleasant. In the example above, getting cut off by an aggressive driver was not my idea of a good time. Yet, if I’m doing my “thank you” mantra, I’m more likely to see how such an event can serve me. From a higher state of mind, I can see that this driver is helping me learn patience, compassion, and forgiveness—three things I’m not very good at. Fortunately, there are many drivers and people who are willing to help me learn this lesson! Thank you God for all that help.

Like any mantra or phrase that a person repeats, repeatedly saying “thank you” can build up a momentum of its own as you use it throughout the day. However, it’s important that it not become a mechanical mental exercise. With each thank you that is thought, it’s essential to feel a sense of appreciation in your heart for the gift you’ve been given. Besides helping a person tune into an ecstatic feeling of gratitude, this method can also help a person become more aware and present in the eternal now. Normally, we spend a lot of our time needlessly worrying about abstract problems. By giving thanks for what’s right in front of us, our worries can disappear and be replaced with an expanded awareness of what is currently occurring.

Once you’ve used the thank you method for awhile, it’s possible to experience an “advanced” form of this technique. Instead of thinking the words “thank you for…,” you can simply notice whatever you’re experiencing in the moment and silently feel your gratitude to God for this being in your life. To do this, it helps to be very focussed in the present moment, and feel connected to your Source. Even just after a couple minutes of feeling the gratitude for each step you take and each breath you breathe, you may feel an inner ecstasy welling up from within. That feeling is God telling you that your prayer has been both received and answered.

Incredibly Useful Stuff To Know

In my job as a professional speaker, part of what I do is supply people with information to improve the quality of their lives. By reading a lot, I’ve come across information that is quite easy to implement, but can have profound effects. Below, I’ve listed 9 of my favorite ideas to share with you. Feel free to pass these ideas on to others, or use them in your own life. My books, “Shortcuts to Success,” and “Shortcuts to Bliss” have over 100 other simple, powerful ideas such as these.

1. LIVE 10 YEARS LONGER IN JUST ONE MINUTE A DAY OF EFFORT:

   Recent studies show that the simple act of flossing your teeth before bed (or rinsing your mouth with Listerine), along with taking an 81 mg aspirin pill, a good multi-vitamin, a 1000mg Omega-3 supplement and a 60mg pill of CoQ10 will lead you to live, on average, 10 years longer. Flossing/ Listerine seems to lessen the harmful bacteria in the mouth that can lead to heart disease, and the suggested supplements lessen the chances of dying of a heart disease—which is how 60% of Americans die. To find out more about how different health habits affect how long you’re likely to live, go to www.realage.com. To buy supplements at 70% off retail, go to www.doctorstrust.com.

2. GET MORE DONE IN LESS TIME AND SAVE 2 HOURS A DAY:

   To have more time, try writing down, at the beginning of the week, the specific TV shows you plan to watch. People who did this saved, on average, 2 hours a day (by not watching shows they really didn’t care for). To get more done in less time, studies at Harvard Business School show the question, “What is the specific result or outcome I really want to achieve in this situation?” was the single best tool for easily increasing productivity. Normally, people focus on items on their “to do” list, and get easily diverted and distracted from achieving what they really want. By asking this question as you make up your “to do” list, and by asking it throughout your day, you are likely to stay focussed in a beneficial manner and increase your productivity by 10 to 25%.

3. LEARN THE SECRET TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE:

   Researchers have concluded they can accurately predict which marriages will be a failure, and which will be successful. Their method? If they see that a couple exchanges more negative comments (such as putdowns and criticism) more often than positive comments, they know that each person will rate the marriage as “unsuccessful.” On the other hand, if positive comments outnumber negative comments, each partner is almost assured to rate their marriage as “good,” or “great.” Try it and see what this info can do for your marriage or relationship!

4. REDUCE STRESS HORMONE LEVELS FOR 5 HOURS IN ONE MINUTE:

   Scientists as the Institute of HeartMath have developed a method of reducing stress hormone levels for 5 hours that takes just one minute to do. The method is simple: Close your eyes and take a very deep breath. Hold it for 10 seconds, and while you do, think of a person or animal that you have great affection for. (Animals and young kids work especially well). As you exhale, imagine sending your exhale out your heart to this person or animal you love. Picture them giving you a look that reminds you how much you care for them. Feel the gratitude you have for them being in your life, and feel your hearts connected. If you want, you can imagine hugging or holding them, and telling them how much you appreciate them. After a minute, slowly open your eyes and notice how much more relaxed and better you feel. By reducing stress in this way, you’ll feel better, sleep better, and get sick less often.

5. ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS THROUGH A TIME TESTED PROCESS:

   Innumerable studies have demonstrated that people who write down their goals achieve their goals more quickly than people who don’t. In addition, people who write down their goals, on average, end up being significantly healthier, wealthier, and more happy than people who don’t. The key to achieving your goals seems to be to write down on a piece of paper the exact date by which you want to achieve something, a specific plan for how you plan to go about it, and a statement as to why it’s so important to you. Then, read your “goal statements” every month or so, and take small, but consistent steps to implement your plan. Having someone who you are accountable to for progress is especially helpful to stay motivated and on target.

6. ADD 25 HEALTHY YEARS TO YOUR LIFE IN ONLY 10 SECONDS A DAY!?

   It sounds incredible, but that’s what scientists are seeing with a new supplement called “Resveratrol.” Recent articles in Newsweek and Men’s Health have scientists claiming that Resveratrol prolongs the life of rats and chimps by one third, and seems to “reverse aging” so that old rats and chimps are healthy until they die at a very old age. Long term studies on humans haven’t been done, but everyone says this supplement is safe and, at the very least, very, very good for you. It’s derived from red grapes. My doctor said it’s the most amazing thing he’s ever seen, and takes it himself. Resveratrol can be expensive, so I recommend you buy it at the web site: www.gonsi.com (I have no financial connection to them). Buy the 100 mg bottle (60 pills) for $15.99, and take one or two capsules a day. When you live to be healthy and happy until 105, you’ll be glad you started taking this stuff!

7. DRAMATICALLY INCREASE YOUR HAPPINESS LEVEL IN 2 MINUTES A DAY:

   The science of happiness is quickly moving forward. Many methods for increasing happiness have been tested on large populations, and the following method works better than any other ever studied according to a recent article in Time magazine. At night, simply write down in a journal 3 good things that happened to you during the day, and why they happened. For example, you might write, “I had a nice talk and a nice feeling of connection with Sally at lunch. Why? It happened because I am making an effort to meet new friends, and I saw an opportunity to invite her to lunch, and I took it.” Then you’d write down two more good things, each time briefly stating how the “good thing” could be traced back to something you did, said, or thought. This method has been shown to increase one’s happiness level as much as a 25% increase in pay at work. Don’t let its simplicity fool you—it really works.

8. ACHIEVE LIFE BALANCE AND AVOID JOB BURNOUT:

   Most people focus on what is working well in their life, and avoid what is not doing so good. Over time, this leads to an out of balance life and future problems—since all aspects of one’s life are interrelated. For example, if your job is going well but you avoid taking care of your health, eventually you’ll have a problem. To avoid such problems and increase your overall well-being, rate how the various aspects of your life are going on a 1 to 10 scale (with 10 being the best possible). Then, notice what area scores the lowest, and make a conscious effort to improve that area before it bites you in the butt. Try quickly rating the following areas right now: 1) your job 2) your health 3) your intimate relationship 4) your family and friends 5) leisure time pursuits 6) spirituality/sense of meaning 7) your finances 8) your overall happiness level. Make an effort to improve the area that scored the lowest.

9. ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS FASTER AND WITH LESS EFFORT:

   Everyone I’ve ever known who is super successful in life and/or their chosen field has a coach to which they are accountable. Whatever you want to achieve—such as losing weight, making more money, having great relationships, etc., find someone who can help you get there quickly and effectively. This could be a friend, a book by an expert, a mate, or a hired Executive Coach. The best coaches are ones that hold you accountable, as well as teach you effective strategies for making weekly progress on your most important goals.